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Sitting at my desk on Christmas Eve and decided that it's a good time to blog, missed that feeling of alone time to write down my thoughts. Honestly, so much has been going through my mind and I guess this is probably the best avenue for me to pour out my feelings and thoughts. 

24 Dec 2020 - Feeling one of the lowest in my spirits and state of mind. I feel awful on the inside, honestly. I'm not too sure if it's really about because of work or perhaps for me afraid to be my true self in front of others. Felt like I was drowning in work and while still trying to stay afloat, caring so much about how others thought of me and how else I can contribute and be of value. Feeling like I gave my ugly self to the ones who loved me the most. I really hate the "me" right now. Where did that once cheerful, bubbly and positive Adeline went to?

Constant thoughts of giving up in my mind, and for a person who dislike to give up halfway, I really am starting to wonder why all these negative thoughts and feelings are building up inside of me. Am I too weak to handle all these new responsibilities and changes? My second job and just like the first, feeling so shitty towards the end. Did I really settle too quickly for a job? I don't have a clue.

It's like me trying to do my best and yet be myself seems so tough, trying to put a front in front of others, constantly telling myself to be positive gets tiring too. I just want to be myself entirely and feel alive again, to find that passion burning inside of me. I'm afraid the fire is slowly fading away.

Almost two years into this job and it really got me thinking what's the next step ahead, often times afraid to do something different in fear of the unknown. But then again, when i always asked myself "if this is the last day you have, are you happy with where you are and do you have any regrets doing what you are doing right now?" Sadly, the answer is crystal clear. I am definitely not happy with where I am and what I am doing.

Perhaps it's really time for a change. A change for good.

A change to remind myself that you know what, who cares what others think about you. 

Love the people who loved you. Do the things you enjoy. Find the passion and never settle.

You made a promise to yourself that you will find something you like to do and you will enjoy it. Because that to you is happiness. 

Just scrolling through Twitter and coming across this timely quote, I guess i'm still in that journey of discovering myself, and embracing it too. May 2021 bring about more self-love, love for people I care  and faith in myself. 🌟






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