What a crazy past three weeks it has been - rollarcoaster of emotions for me and I can't believe I survived it T.T
From having my dad admitted to hospital in fear of an injury that was discovered to receiving a job opportunity and having to make a career decision in such a short span of time (while i'm on leave) to taking that brave step to inform my boss and ro on my intent to go for the interview to driving without JJ for the first time(s). A whirlpool of emotions, it feels overwhelming to be honest.
And I guess a lot of the emotions were more on the negative side - feeling fearful, anxious of the unknown, terrified maybe. And on the other hand, sense of relief and happiness when my dad was finally discharged because the doctors deem that it wasn't life-threathening and that he just had to attend further body check ups thereafter to receiving the full support and care from my boss and ro. I literally couldn't control my tears falling the moment my boss shared the piece of news to my ro and colleague that I'll be officially transferring out of the team - that moment when everyone celebrated the news and there was no hard feelings at all. I was so afraid that they will turn their backs on me because I had betrayed the team and was leaving them behind. On one hand, I was feeling so guilty for wanting to leave at a time when I knew the team had bigger plans ahead.
So immediately once I felt that sense of assurance that everything will work out fine as they talked about how the handover will be and my two ladies said they will overcome it just made me cry instantly. That was how much of emotional load I had with me all these while - before I flew for my trip and even after I'm back - I was literally always on my toes and my tummy feels weak (like the feeling you get when the insides feels twisted and all). I could finally be myself to interact with them freely without holding back anything - and the thought of it now still makes me wanna cry. This has been one of the biggest step that I've ever took to be honest on my career aspirations to my boss and ro without even securing the job yet - but hoping that they will give their blessings. And I am so thankful and grateful for these two people - don;t know what i did to deserve all these kindness in my life.
And i guess another thing that was weighing on me - was knowing that I have to drive by myself (without JJ) for the first time this Good Friday weekend. Knowing that i have to drive back my mum and bro back home from the airport daunts me - I have to admit its been a long while since I drove and that anxious feeling got to me. My mind was entirely on how I will drive and get all of us safe in one piece - and thank God we did it!! Fast forward to today, one of the biggest challenges - to drive myself back to JJ house alone. I guess deep down inside of me, I was so afraid that I even dreamt of driving in my dream (tho it wasn't entirely a good dream). But yes, and something did happened along the way of my ride - and I can't help but kept rethinking about what may happened. It was something that I took away from and I know that I have to continue to be brave and drive at every opportunity whenever I can to muster the courage within me.
This reminds me back to one of my favourite quotes - having the courage to begin without knowing how it'll all end. Indeed, sometimes in life we don't know what the outcome will be and we are afraid to take that step, holding the fears of what may be and what may not be. However one thing I learnt from the past weeks - we never know until we try. So what if things didn't turn out the way we wanted, at least now we know it doesnt. And what if things does turn out the way we envision, then aren't we glad that we took that first step out? Now having taken that first steps, Adeline good job to you! You did what you thought you couldn't. And i'm so proud of you for facing your fears (fear of uncertainty, fear of the unknown..) and still choosing to give it a go.
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